How to Go on a First Date

How to Go on a First Date 

     [I recently re-discovered this piece that I wrote in Intro to Lit. Without further ado, “How to Go on a First Date”!]  

     In order to execute this procedure properly, you must first have a few key elements present: passion for your beloved, of course, bravery, and, above all else, awkwardness of every variety (physical, mental, et. al.). Once you have acquired these crucial ingredients, you may begin.

STEP ONE: The Approach

Begin by checking yourself out nonchalantly in a reflective surface. Grin at your reflection, and then decide that the grin is not suitable, and produce what you hope to be a rebellious smirk. Once you have come to terms with your facial features, saunter over to the object of your desire—casual, but confident. Forget to tie your left shoe and fall over sideways. Chuckle jovially through the pain of your now-throbbing knee, and limp—confidently—away.

STEP TWO: The Date

Leave your home a full two hours before you are expecting to meet your new love. Make it halfway to the meeting spot, and then turn around, fearing that you might appear too eager. Repeat this process until a half hour before your meeting time, and then complete your journey. Wait anxiously for your partner, but stare intently at a fallen leaf so that you will seem like a grounded person. Act surprised when they walk up, and then immediately comment on a miniscule aspect of your surroundings (i.e. “Hey! Have you seen this leaf?”).

STEP THREE: The Conversation

Silence is your enemy, and you must do everything within your power to eliminate it. The actual words you say do not matter—really try to focus on simply emitting vaguely coherent sounds. I have listed a few simple conversation starters to aid you, should you find yourself at a loss for subject material:

(a) “Man, rainy today, isn’t it? No? Oh, my bad.”

(b) “Oh cool! I used to have a guinea pig, too, but I guess you’re not supposed to feed them bacon, cause it died pretty quick.”

(c) “I have a Cadillac. Just kidding, but yeah, that would be great.”

            Should you be on speaking terms with your beloved by the end of the night, consider the entire endeavor a success. As you become more familiar with one another, begin slowly replacing the awkwardness with stability and fondness, and enjoy the company of your true love.


Sheep Wars, for my Aunt Nette’s birthday last year. :)

Non-naughty nautilus!

Non-naughty nautilus!

"Pacific Rim" with the English bulldog as the main bro.

"Pacific Rim" with the English bulldog as the main bro.

An assortment of ties, not counting the Adrian Eight. 

Purple fava beans from last year!

When I was one-and-twenty

I heard a wise man say

"Give crowns and pounds and guineas

But not your heart away;

Give pearls away and rubies

But keep your fancy free.”

But I was one-and-twenty,

No use to talk to me.

When I was one-and-twenty

I heard him say again,

"The heart out of the bosom

Was never given in vain;

'Tis paid with sighs a plenty

And sold for endless rue.”

And I am two-and-twenty,

And oh, ‘tis true, ‘tis true.

-A.E. Housman

When I was one-and-twenty,

I heard a wise man say

"Don’t waste your time on Tumblr;

Go study for today.

Stop tidying your room up

It’s clean enough for now.”

But I was one-and-twenty,

So I whittled anyhow.

When I was one-and-twenty,

I heard him say again,

"Your finals are on Thursday

So you must prepare your brain;

Read poetry, do science,

Put some numbers in your head.”

But I am still one-and-twenty,

So I think I’ll go to bed.

—Me, not studying

What in Pod’s Name?!- Episode 1

Here is the first of the “What in Pod’s Name?!” podcast! Stay tuned for the next (EVEN BETTER) second episode, which is in the works as I type.