How to Go on a First Date
[I recently re-discovered this piece that I wrote in Intro to Lit. Without further ado, “How to Go on a First Date”!]
In order to execute this procedure properly, you must first have a few key elements present: passion for your beloved, of course, bravery, and, above all else, awkwardness of every variety (physical, mental, et. al.). Once you have acquired these crucial ingredients, you may begin.
STEP ONE: The Approach
Begin by checking yourself out nonchalantly in a reflective surface. Grin at your reflection, and then decide that the grin is not suitable, and produce what you hope to be a rebellious smirk. Once you have come to terms with your facial features, saunter over to the object of your desire—casual, but confident. Forget to tie your left shoe and fall over sideways. Chuckle jovially through the pain of your now-throbbing knee, and limp—confidently—away.
STEP TWO: The Date
Leave your home a full two hours before you are expecting to meet your new love. Make it halfway to the meeting spot, and then turn around, fearing that you might appear too eager. Repeat this process until a half hour before your meeting time, and then complete your journey. Wait anxiously for your partner, but stare intently at a fallen leaf so that you will seem like a grounded person. Act surprised when they walk up, and then immediately comment on a miniscule aspect of your surroundings (i.e. “Hey! Have you seen this leaf?”).
STEP THREE: The Conversation
Silence is your enemy, and you must do everything within your power to eliminate it. The actual words you say do not matter—really try to focus on simply emitting vaguely coherent sounds. I have listed a few simple conversation starters to aid you, should you find yourself at a loss for subject material:
(a) “Man, rainy today, isn’t it? No? Oh, my bad.”
(b) “Oh cool! I used to have a guinea pig, too, but I guess you’re not supposed to feed them bacon, cause it died pretty quick.”
(c) “I have a Cadillac. Just kidding, but yeah, that would be great.”
Should you be on speaking terms with your beloved by the end of the night, consider the entire endeavor a success. As you become more familiar with one another, begin slowly replacing the awkwardness with stability and fondness, and enjoy the company of your true love.